Happy Tuesday, everyone. So environmental activists are pushing to make it legal to turn human cadavers into compost. After all, it's OK to turn them into presidents. Terrible joke! In a recent post on X, Keith Olbermann expressed hope that Donald Trump gets assassinated. Although if Trump wants his career killed, he should hire Olbermann's agent. Where is he? Lawyers for Donald Trump say it's impossible for him to post the $460 million bond imposed by a state judge. After all, this is New York. If he wants to be released without bond, he should try killing somebody. New data from the FBI claims that the U.S. crime rate is dropping. Let's look at this graph while I stab you. A Florida bartender is making headlines for her $30 hurricane shot, which is a shot of liquor followed by a slap in the face. I don't know why not just buy an $8 shot and tell some chick she's fat? A sexist would say! I disown that joke.
Organizers of the 2024 Paris Olympics announced they will be distributing 300,000 condoms to the athletes. But with respect to the French tradition, they will continue their ban on soap. New York Governor Kathy Hochul said the state will provide "I love New York glasses" for the total solar eclipse on April 8th. Hochul said it's important for residents to wear protection so their eyes don't end up like this. Terrible. An illegal immigrant from Lebanon, caught at the border, admitted he's a Hezbollah terrorist coming here with the hopes of making a bomb. See, says Joe Biden, no more complaining about things not being made in America.
Lizzo said she wants to become a supermodel, but instead of a plus-size model, she'll be a multiplication-size model. CNN will begin airing reruns of "Real Time" with Bill Maher after negotiations broke down with Barney Miller. Finally, the role of James Bond is British actor Aaron Taylor-Johnson's if he wants it. He's the perfect guy to play an undercover secret agent since no one's ever heard of him. Still, some critics prefer to hire a woman, especially one with a real license to kill.
HERE'S HOW WOKE BANKING IS DECIDING YOUR LOANS
All right, let's do the monologue. Those were fun. So, is a person woke because their brain is broke? Or is it the broken brain that's driving them insane? According to a Finnish study, people who express woke beliefs have much higher instances of anxiety and depression. That's according to the Scandinavian Journal of Psychology. And if anybody knows about being moody bastards, it's those guys. So what is woke, exactly? Well, you already know by now it's inescapable. Like a fart in Brian Stelter's car. But this study listed a few core beliefs, which I'll summarize here. If Whites have a higher income than Blacks, it's always due to racism. But then again, what isn't? And you better not blame our city's public schools or you'll be forced to wrestle this.
PICTURE OF RANDI WEINGARTEN
School reading lists must have fewer White people on them. True, who wants to read Lord of the Rings when you can read "Not he or she, I'm me." Microaggressions should always be confronted. True, I'm reminded of this one every time someone mistakenly says I'm only 5'7. Trans women who compete in women's sports are actually helping women's rights. And female athletes can enjoy those rights as soon as they wake up in the hospital. And we must always talk about the color of people's skin. More? It's all they can talk about. Well, that and the pronouns for their cat. A member of a privileged group should never adopt cultural elements of a less privileged group. And that's probably news to this guy and, well, this guy.
PICTURES OF EMINEM AND JIMMY KIMMEL IN BLACKFACE
The author of the study says the most surprising thing to him was the gender divide. Three out of five women think wokeness is good, but only one out of seven men. That's quite a divide, assuming you even recognize the difference between women and men. Maybe as a society, we're letting women down by encouraging them to chase the woke stuff. I'm sorry. I meant people with vaginas, I apologize. But it's worth meditating on this difference. Wokeness is embraced by way more women than men. But do you know what else women embrace more than men? Self-harm. I mean, they love "Maroon Five." But what is wokeness if not self-harm? Have you seen the mugshots of Antifa? The bodily destruction reflects a mind in turmoil, and now we see their beliefs in action.
A man murders a woman, and the woke are outraged by the names you use to refer to the murderer. That is self-harm. The woke cheer a man who beats a woman, literally, in a female sport. That's self-harm. The woke defend the mutilation of children under the guise of gender health. That's self-harm. You want to defund the police, abolish prison, allow criminals to walk. How is that not self-harm? Well, it's no longer self-harm when it harms the rest of us too. So does wokeness make people miserable or do miserable people gravitate towards wokeness?
RED-FACED GOOGLE APOLOGIZES AFTER WOKE AI BOT GIVES ‘APPALLING’ ANSWERS ABOUT PEDOPHILIA, STALIN
Maybe it's a two-way street. One in San Francisco littered with meth pipes, hobo turds, and unsold 49ers Super Bowl Champ t-shirts. But it would make sense that the mentally unwell would flock toward a movement that vindicates their misery. It's easier, just in the short term, to be a victim than challenge your hopelessness by simply trying. But bring this up to a Democrat and they make excuses for the woke. It's not all of us, they say. And they're right. But they take it personally. Perhaps because, like any illness, it's an extra sensitive topic if it runs in the family. Everything that should make them happy makes them crazy. And they want everyone else to be as miserable as they are. They hate success like I hate children singing.
Still, I have sympathy for the woke. And like those pool boys I chloroformed, I hope someday they'll come to their senses. So what do you say to the woke? Well, here's what I said on "The Five." Back in 1988, I was an unemployed White guy living at home with my mom. I was miserable, yet I still got up every morning, sent out resumes, applied for jobs. I took long runs and I hit the gym. I enrolled in classes and took whatever part-time job I could, and when I wasn't working, I kept mailing out resumes. Probably a thousand total.
After one long, brutal year, I finally got a job across the country. I moved from sunny California to a frigid Allentown, Pennsylvania in the winter for $22 grand a year and then my life took off. Now imagine if I were not a White male but a Black female. In that same situation, being unemployed and with no prospects, what would you advise that I do? The same exact thing. Whether you think this is a racist society or not, the same practices apply. Try hard. Since the woke offer no solutions except resentment, the only recourse is to do what works. Try hard. And to realize that it's not a society that's holding you back; it's you.
