Happy Tuesday, everybody. I love every one of you. Almost too much. All right, let's get started. Dylan Mulvaney is trying to switch from transgender influencer to stand-up comic. After the Budweiser fiasco, you got to admit, that takes balls. I know where this is going. A government-sponsored report says the country should move quickly to prevent artificial intelligence from making humanity extinct, which is why I've created a robot that pokes holes in condoms. But the U.S. State Department paints an alarming picture of the catastrophic national security risks posed by rapidly evolving AI. But one man says I wouldn't worry too much about it.
New research found that 74% of teens feel happy when they don't have their smartphones on hand. The other 26% are tied to a workbench in Beijing and work for Apple. Yes, makes you think. Four astronauts returned to Earth with SpaceX on Tuesday, to end a half year mission at the International Space Station. They say they would have been back sooner, but the chick on board had to stop 43 times to pee. A new special counsel investigation reports that Biden kept forgetting what a fax machine was. Well, he always had a problem with facts. A little wordplay. Very little. According to research, 47% of American parents still financially support their adult children, while certain adult children financially aid their parents.
A Boeing whistleblower who warned of aircraft safety laws has been found dead in South Carolina. He was last seen alive having dinner with this lady. Florida lawmakers have voted to raise the minimum age for strippers to 21, except at the Villages where a stripper minimum age remains 75. Female springbreakers are fighting more and more, including a massive brawl this week in Fort Lauderdale. So what were they fighting over? I'm quite hairless. Police in New Orleans say rats have eaten all the marijuana in their evidence room. As for the missing cash jewelry and AK 47s, they say the rats ate that, too.
According to the FAA, Boeing mechanics were using hotel key cards as makeshift tools, but they didn't work, so they had to keep going back to the front desk. I thought that would work. Mail carrier robberies have once again increased dramatically this year. I guess that means somebody else is masturbating to my Harry and David catalog. I don't like that one. Thank you, Emily. A Ukrainian strongman set a world record by using his beard to pull a 5,687-pound minibus, which broke the record set by the previous champion.
All right, let's do a monologue. They called a kid racist so their bosses said replace it. Good news for people who love sports but hate douchebags. The lefty sports site Deadspin just canned its entire staff after being sold by its parent company. Now, I'm guessing most of you've never read Deadspin, but surely you remember the story of how they smeared a nine-year-old Kansas City Chiefs fan, Holden Armenta. A few months ago his parents took him to see the Chiefs play the Las Vegas Raiders. Here's what he wore to the game. Yeah, nothing unusual for an NFL game or for dinner at LIz Warren's. People dress up and put on face paint all the time. He seems like a good kid and was obviously enjoying himself. So, of course, Deadspin's hacks had to put a stop to that because the left can't stand a child enjoying anything other than a drag queen lap dance. Roll the recap recap roller.
GUTFELD! NOV. 29 FLASHBACK: A hack at sports site Deadspin alleged that a child with his face painted in his football team colors was actually blackface. The scumbag writer had to face the new community notes function of Elon Musk's X. In record time, community notes showed the kid's full photo, not just the half-painted black. But for Whitey hater Carron Phillips, who just made himself the Jussie Smollett of sports journalism, it didn't matter. Phillips added that "this is what happens when you ban books, stand against critical race theory and try to erase centuries of hate. You give future generations the ammunition they need to evolve and recreate racism better than before." A young kid wearing his favorite team colors recreates racism better than before, and accusing a child of that is how you're erasing hate, Carron? F**** you.
So they decided to defame a third-grader for having fun at a football game but sensing that momentum had finally shifted against these woke witch trials, Carron's bosses quickly removed the photo and added a mealy-mouthed apology. They said "we regret any suggestion that we were attacking the fan." It was suggestive? Now, when Kudlow answers the door wearing lingerie, that's suggestive. But when your writer says a young fan found a "way to hate Black people and the Native Americans at the same time," you're not suggesting, you're defaming the very people who make the sports you cover possible. But it got worse for dead spit and their deadbeat writer. A few months later, this happened.
GUTFELD! FEB. 8 FLASHBACK: But now that nine year old boy's family is suing Deadspin for "maliciously and wantonly attacking the child," alleging DeadSpin's "race-drenched political agenda." And the story is even more hilarious, in that the kid is also a member of the Chumash tribe. My only hope is that Little Chiefs fan gets enough money to buy Deadspin and turn it into a pickleball court.
Well, it turns out, my prediction about this kid getting rich off it might actually happen, because now, with the sale of Deadspin, they got an infusion of cash to pay the kid for when he wins the lawsuit. So maybe you can hang out with Nick Sandmann on their private yacht. So justice prevailed and Deadspin was dropped like Leo DiCaprio's girlfriend on her 25th birthday. The journalism world hasn't taken a hit like this since Kilmeade's last book on Warren Harding's chronic halitosis.
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As for the future at Deadspin, the parent company says, "the new owners plan to take a different content approach regarding the site's overall sports coverage." Okay, well, here's a different approach. Try the truth. I know it's a crazy idea, but who knows? Give it a shot. It will feel weird at first, but like a vibrating butt plug, you'll get used to it. So I've heard. That's what they tell me. But Deadspin is just the latest news outlet to experience layoffs after Vice, BuzzFeed, the feminist crap fest, Jezebel, Messenger, Time Magazine, Business Insider, and probably a bunch of other places that didn't produce any journalism that anybody cared about. It's what killed Sports Illustrated, which used to be an institution before becoming a mental institution dedicated to punishing the men who make up their core audience with swimsuit models who need extra room to hide their weenies. You might as well dump ice-cold Gatorade in our undies, but the story here is about how the left's finally learning that hit pieces on regular people is no replacement for content.
It may please losers on X, but it makes you a terrible person. DeadSpin f*** around and found out what every pro athlete knows. If you stink at your job, you won't have it for long, though there are a few rare exceptions, of course. So let's close things out with some wisdom from Dave Portnoy, who knows a thing or two about running a successful sports site.
DAVE PORTNOY: To Deadspin! Everybody getting fired again. Those **** just don't get it. Being miserable, hating life, never laughing. It's never gonna pay the bills. See you f**** on the unemployment line again.
And that's the moral of the story. Making up lies to anger people can generate some quick web traffic, but hate clicks are not a business plan. And when you lie to people and insult them for noticing that you're lying, they tend to go away. People watch and read about sports for entertainment, not lectures. It's the same reason they drink beer, watch movies, and go about their lives like normal humans.
And if you keep telling them they're racist, sexist monsters, they're going to take their business elsewhere. Meanwhile, what about the author, Carron, of the repulsive Deadspin article? Well, he was named in the lawsuit, and he was one of the writers who got fired. He's already updated his profile pic on LinkedIn to say, "open to work." But hey if he wants to continue to falsely accuse White people of racism, he can always work at MSNBC.
