Tonight's monologue is about priorities, the media's priorities, the government's priorities – like there's any difference there – and your priorities, which don't matter to them. 

Here's a fun story about New York. A thug knocks out a diner in an unprovoked attack, leaving him in a coma with a fractured skull. I told you it was fun. The attacker recently got out of prison for rape. I know – he's probably a victim of the system. And by system, I mean what we used to call law and order. 

GREG GUTFELD: VIOLENCE IS ‘INCLUSIVE’ WHEN LIBERALS ARE IN CHARGE

So where is he now? Well, after his charge for attempted murder was downgraded to a misdemeanor. He's out on no cash bail because trying to kill someone isn't that much different these days than loitering. And now he's free to beat and rape again. So, audience, have fun walking back to your cars. 

Because keeping him behind bars would have made him the victim and that's his job, making victims. So weren’t we told that bail reform was only for nonviolent felonies? But it's a bait and switch, like when I order steak medium well and the waiter punches me in the face instead. 

Once again, the politicians, left wing DAs and judges play Russian roulette with law-abiding citizens. And every time they pass something like bail reform, it's like they're adding another bullet to the chamber of a gun pointed at your head. 

To them, the city is just an experimental aquarium. So what’s a few piranhas as they hide in that castle in the corner. 

So this rape fiend is out. It's like the DAs are saying, "Hey, you got raped down pretty well, but you still need to work on your murdering skills. So get out there and don't come back until you get it right." You'd think Mayor Eric Adams would be all over this, but he does more lip service than Pelosi's plastic surgeon. Yeah, here's what he's up to. 

[Video of Eric Adams swinging sledgehammer]

So he dressed up as a construction worker to destroy an outdoor dining shed. So first he was a cop, now it's a construction worker. Anybody seeing a pattern here? I think we've got a one-man village people going on. 

So he took down the shed because people were peeing in them. Fair enough. But if the mayor went around smashing everything that's been peed on in New York, there wouldn't be a thing left standing, including Madonna. What do you mean? I don't get it. 

Now unless perps are disguising themselves as sheds, I question Adam's priorities. Like Brian Stelter's cholesterol, this is not his biggest problem right now. People are being attacked and murdered. Nero may have fiddled, but Eric's hammering. 

And what's the governor of New York doing? She announced that she signed a bill replacing the word salesman with salesperson. This to help women in the workplace. Yeah. Some help. She's a real Lia Thomas. Rape is up 10%, and she's replacing man with person. This is really her priority. Yeah. 911. What's your emergency? I was just assaulted by a salesman. You mean salesperson, don't you? I'll send a squad car. But not for him, ma'am. For you!

Someone should remind the governor that while jobs may not have genders, victims of violent crime do. A lot of them are women. 

So whether it's salesman or sales person, New Yorkers shouldn't be buying the ******** she’s selling. This is the same idiot, by the way, who replaced the word inmate with incarcerated person. That helps. Fine. I'd love to call violent criminals incarcerated persons, but none of them are incarcerated anymore. 

I'd say the inmates are running the asylum, but I can't see inmates anymore. I don't want to get canceled. And I tell people to file a complaint with the government, but what good would that do? 

[Skit]

But this is all fakery. Pointless virtue signaling while cities crumble. It's a disease afflicting this entire country, thanks to a fake news media which decides what's important and what's not. 

Few stories are more relevant than blood loss. But now it's all things Trump. And I get it. He wrote mean tweets that kept you up at night. But last I checked, he isn't roaming the streets, killing people like those MS 13 gang members he once called animals, which upset Pelosi to no end. Remember that? None of those perps were orange. 

So as businesses close and people leave cities for the same reason they leave Kat's apartment, crime and decay, the media is focused on real brutality, like tax evasion, which the CFO of the Trump Organization pleaded guilty for. And surely the charge had absolutely nothing to do with his association with Trump. But the 75-year-old dude, he's going to Rikers Island, the prison, while attempted murderers roam free. And why? Because our media only cares about stuff that has the smell of Trump on it. Including Melania's clothes, apparently. 

Literally, you don't rate the news. The media knows Trump hate pays the bills. Not stories that actually affect your lives. Besides, on the punishment spectrum, it's the thugs who are oppressed and you who's the oppressor. 

Fact is, until these left wing leaders feel the real life experience of actual crime, they're not going to care. Governor Abbott sent migrants to liberal cities so they could feel the consequences of their policies. It's time to do that with thuggery. I'd love to send the freed, violent felons to the burbs of the judge and the DAs who freed him. Hell, I'll pay for the Uber. 

But of course I can't do this because if something happened to the judge or the Soros funded DA, I'd be an accessory. And that's my point. I'd be just like the judges and the DAs, when every time one of these mutts they let loose again hurts somebody else, they're accessories too. It's a shame they don't get the credit.